A Conversation with God...

Moses said to the LORD, "See, you say to me, 'Bring up this people,' but You have not let me know whom You will send with me.  Yet You have said, 'I know you by name and you have also found favor in My sight.'  Now therefore, if I have found favor in Your sight, please show me now Your ways, that I may know You...

Consider too that this nation is Your people."

And He [the LORD] said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

And he [Moses] said to Him, "If Your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.  For how shall it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people?  Is it not in Your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and Your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?"

And the LORD said to Moses, "This very thing that you have spoken I will do, for you have found favor in My sight, and I know you by name."

Moses said, "Please show me Your glory."

And He [the LORD] said, "I will make all My goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you My name 'The LORD'.  And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will show mercy to whom I show mercy.  But," He said, "you cannot see My face, for man shall not see Me and live."

~Exodus 33:12-20

ESV

(photo courtesy of Fotolia)

Jump

I went for a walk this afternoon in the brilliant cold. I was feeling rather pointless. Very pointless. (because I had nothing I so wanted, even though I have so much to be thankful for already)
Jesus came with me.
“You walk with me through fire…” –Healer
As I was walking, praying about this pointlessness.
A picture of me: standing on a precipice, a deep dark ravine is below me.
Jesus stands, arms open wide, waiting a mere frightening jump across the ravine to the opposing cliff side where He waits.
I can’t jump holding what I want. What (I think) I need. To have purpose, to be so, so happy.
A husband.
A mission.
A baby.
A home.
A country.
An ideal.
Myself even.
All of it must fall into the endless cold darkness below. To die.
But Jesus waits and can I resist?

"Trust Me." That wonderful word again, Lord?
A man, baby, missions, home of my own, adventures, change, and all such purposefulness are lovely, and would/will be very nice. But they will not satisfy. Only Jesus will. Is satisfying.
So I jump.
Tears wet my cheeks, having surrendered for the millionth time. Trusting again.
But now I’m free.
And Jesus holds me.
Oh, He loves me.
Oh I love Him.
I love Him.
This love makes it all worth it.

How He loves us

Here I am again. I have fallen. He has picked me up.
I have sinned.
Repented and
been forgiven
again-again-again
By Someone greater than I.
So much more than I deserve

He is jealous for me

He’s standing there. Arms open wide. Waiting for me to come running.
Jesus wants me all for Himself.
None but Christ.

“For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God.” Exodus 20:5b

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

I stand, drenched, soaked in His love. My arms thrown out, head back, tears streaming, my heart screaming in pain-joy-sorrow-awe in my Savior’s love for me. I cannot understand it, but I need it. Oh I need it. I need You.

“By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, so that we might live through Him, in this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us.” 1 John 4:9-10a

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

I cannot stand here for long. I fall to my knees. broken-bleeding-needing Jesus. Only Jesus.

"I am in deep distress. Let me fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is very great..." 1 Chronicles 21:13a

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

Here in this place of rain drenched pain and joy. He is. He is enough. More. Than I can ever express. My heart is empty yet full. Hungry yet satisfied. Tasting His presence, His love and mercy. My sorrows, my trials, my pains seem small, beside the greatness of His love. Small in the hollow of Your capable, beautiful anguish scarred hands. Pierced for me.

"Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ? Who is like you— majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?" Exodus 15:11

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

So beautiful my Jesus. So beautiful. I cannot ever hope to express how beautiful You are. The salvation in your hands, the grace in Your touch, and love in Your eyes. You love me as a Father loves his child. As the Bridegroom adores His bride. As the Potter cares enough to smooth and refine the Clay. You love.

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4

And how great Your affections are for me.

You are love. And You choose to give Yourself. Give love. Lavishly. You want me to call you Abba, and dance with You through the storms and peace. Cling to You as You carry me over mountains and through valleys. Dwell with You in Your presence forever. Abba, I want to stay here. Help me, in my human frailty and unfaithfulness. Teach me to love You. To stay. To Abide in You. In Your love and great affection for me. Help me understand. How great this love is.

“Yet the LORD set his affection on your forefathers and loved them, and He chose you, their descendants, above all the nations, as it is today.” Deuteronomy 10:15

Oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

“For with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.” Psalm 130:7

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,

If it is forever to be just You and I. If I am to be always known as I am. If a loving husband and children are not in Your plan. (and even if they are, as I pray and hope it will be so.) Jesus, I want to be known as Yours. Yours completely. Wholly without restraint. I want You to be my prize. Not any earthly gift or treasure. You, Jesus, to be my prize, the goal I am running for, seeking in light and deep darkness. I want to find You and know You more.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

My hands are full of earthly things, empty, hollow and unforgiving…my heart full of dross, but hungry for truth. My hands open, slowly, painfully, releasing the stones of my achievements, my worries, my pleasures, my sins, my wrongs, my dreams…I lay myself on the alter again, bind me there Shepherd…so these idols die, burn to ash…as I cry and beg to be released, my heart sees you there. Salvation and joy in your eyes. It is worth it. This purification, this sanctification….this crucifixion of my flesh. So that You may shine brighter in me. Shine, Jesus, Shine…

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” Ephesians 1:7-8

If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

I want to drown here Jesus, drown in Your grace, Your love and Your truth. Your Word is life to my flesh and healing to my heart…I cannot survive, I cannot thrive without You. You alone are life and sustenance and breath. Drown me Jesus, in You. Till all I see, feel, know and am is surrounded by You.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." 1 Timothy 1:14-15

So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

Come Lord Jesus. Come. I cannot wait to stand before You, trembling in holy fear, my heart ripped to shreds with joy in being with You at last. To fall at Your feet and thank you over and over and over. For all You have done. For all You are. I love You Jesus. Come quickly. Come.

“I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God." Revelation 19:11-13

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

He loves us, Oh how He loves us

Jesus, I want to love like You
Teach me
Shine through me
That I would be Your hands and feet to the world
That those I touch would feel Your hands
Those I speak to would hear Your voice
And those I love know it is You that loves them
So very much
That I would know Your love intimately
And that I would be Your love to the world

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.” 1 Chronicles 16:34

Oh How He Loves us.

Lyrics from the David Crowder Band “Oh How He loves”

John 12:24
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

Surrender is mandatory for the Christ Follower. It Is good, it is beautiful, but it is painful. So painful.
I lay my dreams on the alter time and time again, only to watch them burn to ashes before my eyes, my lips moving in silent pleading prayer: “Your Will be done.” Even as my heart screams, no no, no, no, keep them, keep the precious darling dreams and maybe you can figure something out, maybe you can work it out, maybe you can make them happen.
I can’t. I know that, know that deep inside.
Would I want to anyhow? Even if I could wave a magic wand, and magic of magic’s there I would be on the mission field, with my darling husband and sweet babies? If I could love more, help more, and radiate Christ more, all on my very own effort?
God gives us these dreams, desires and hopes and then asks gently for them back. So He can have His way. So He can be glorified. More than if I conjured up something, more than if I pushed and prodded. With brokenness I hand Him every precious one until I can’t see them anymore.
I am left bereft, empty of all. A blank slate for Him to write on.
With nothing to hold to except Him.
Yet, isn’t that exactly where we should long to be? Exactly where I need to be? With Jesus and Jesus alone.
It is most hardest, this surrender thing, when I can see the barest hopeful glimmer of possibility. Even then, He asks for that possibility to be placed in His hands. With tearful pleading I place it there, again and again, and pray and hope, and contemplate, maybes and hows and whys…but He asks me to give up even those and just die. (Mark 8:35)
Surrender feels like death, but death can be a lovely thing when life awaits around the corner. Eternal, marvelous life in Jesus.
Trust in Me.
Wait on Me. Hope in Me.
These are all things Jesus is teaching me, showing me by His love and grace during this particular time of surrender. (‘cause surrender never ends ya know =-)
Perhaps one day these dreams will be resurrected, in a more breath-taking manner than I could have imagined. Perhaps they won’t. I don’t know. Only God knows. That is as it should be…
Not my will but Yours, Lord Jesus. Even as my dreams lay broken like shattered glass, the veil torn from my eyes and hope blazing in my heart. I will surrender again, again, again. Till all of me is Yours.